I celebrated my 16th birthday in Mumbai, India. It was 2005, a month after the tragic Tsunami hit South East Asia and it was my first international trip. The trip was 5 weeks long, starting in Sri Lanka, then on to Mumbai, Chennai and Kerala.
We left Colombo airport the day before my birthday and arrived in Mumbai that same evening. Looking back at my birthday I remember quite fondly, my aunt, uncle, cousins and family friend taking me to McDonalds for lunch, since that was my eatery of choice and later in the day we enjoyed a day of bargain hunting at Motah Market (I think that's how it was spelled). It was truly an experience to remember. My aunt even bargained for my birthday cake at a legit bakery in town :)
That night at the hotel we ate cake and they sang happy birthday and gave speeches and even though I knew that none of my friends at school could say that they got to spend their sweet 16 in another country, I guess I was too young to fully appreciate the experience and opportunity for what it really was. All I remember was desperately missing home and everyone else who I would normally have spent my day with.
When I think about it today, I wish I could do it all over again. I would have been so much more verbal about how grateful I was to my family who were on the trip with me. They all went out of their way to make the day special. I would have also been more present and open to having a few more adventures. On that day I really just wanted to go back home. I felt like I had made a mistake going on that trip. I had other typical teenage priorities that were constantly on my mind, like how I was not going to be able to find a partner for the prom because I was missing 5 weeks of school and how the boy I liked hadn't replied to any of my emails since I left. I would call home less often because I would cry every time I spoke to my family. I just wished the time away, towards the end of the trip I even refused to join everyone else on the remaining tours. I would just stay in the hotel room watching TV.
I had a similar feeling this past few weeks as I passed my time with work and sleep in Auckland, just counting down the days till I could come home and be with family. I was in a beautiful city and an amazingly peaceful environment but having nobody to share it with took away from it's attractiveness. Now that I'm back in Durban with my loved ones, I can't help but question if I wasn't present or open enough and if I wasn't too preoccupied with what wasn't there to fully appreciate what was. As the familiar noise starts to build here, I certainly feel like retreating to that peaceful place sometimes. In the process of writing this I've worked through some of these thoughts and feelings and have decided that both scenarios brought up similar feelings of loneliness but the source of those feelings is very different.
The loneliness that I experienced on this last trip helped me find clarity on the kind of environment that I want to come back to. In India I had people around me all the time, amazing people whom I love, yet I still felt lonely and longed for the familiar noise of home. In New Zealand I had lots of quiet and nobody at all to be with. Coming back this time was more about reconnecting with the people who I can still be quiet with. I am literally typing this post in the company of family, in silence. I don't know what noise tomorrow will bring, but now that I have found my peaceful place, I am not going to let the familiar noise bully me back into the loud loneliness. I'm home.