So much has happened since my last post, and so much for keeping this "journal" up to date. To summarize, I am now 16 weeks pregnant, there are in excess of 1.5mil people around the world infected with Coronavirus (Covid-19), we are in the middle of a month long national lockdown in South Africa, and yes, we're back in South Africa. I just completed 4 weeks notice after resigning from Bevie. Truly one of the most difficult decisions I've had to make and a very heartsore one indeed. Now that I've brought you up to speed let me try to fill in the blanks.
Jan 29 2020
I spent the last few days packing up with no intention of returning to Durban at least within this year. I wouldn't be able to travel for the rest of the pregnancy after June and then I would want to wait at least a few months before flying with a newborn. Ransley would still need to come back after 2-3 months to check in on the business but we thought there was a good chance that he might use his next trip home to put the house up for rent or AirBnb so I did my best to box up as much as I could to make it easy for him to put into storage if needed.
I flew out to meet him in Dubai and after a long and tiring journey arrived the next morning at the glorious Habtoor Palace. This was part of my crown birthday celebration, a true Middle Eastern palace by all means with a grand foyer, ornate marble everywhere and exquisite golden finishes. Our suite was so luxurious and fancy but the moment I arrived I changed into comfy clothes and jumped into the comfier, king sized bed with Rans for a nap before breakfast. We only woke up at 10am, 30 mins before breakfast service could end, rushed to the dining room and enjoyed a lovely buffet breakfast but more importantly each other's company after a few days apart. We spent that day in our hotel room catching up on the goodbyes we'd said in Durban, how his trip had been over the last few days and mostly our new arrival, coming September 2020.
I had been looking forward to a shopping spree in Dubai since our last trip there in 2016 but when we got to the Dubai Mall, I had little energy and little interest in stocking up on clothes that would probably not fit me in a few months. We had dinner and called it a day. The following day was my birthday. I am now 31 years old. I thought about how as a teenager I was so sure I would be done having kids by now and here I was just getting started. I can't remember much else of what we did that day except another Mall trip in vain. I was now finding myself extremely tired by late afternoon and increasingly hungry. We mostly just hung around in the comfy hotel room for the rest of our trip, ordering room service multiple times and talking about the future ahead of us in New Zealand. I was already starting to miss home which was a strange feeling since I had spent so much time away in the last year and it hadn't usually affected me till a few weeks in. I ignored those feelings and tried to focus on the exciting times ahead in our journey. By now Ransley had told pretty much everyone he knew that we were pregnant even though we discussed waiting for the 12 week safe period but I didn't mind much because his excitement made me feel less anxious.
We left to New Zealand on 2 Feb 2020, arrived exhausted after a 16 hr flight, fetched our car from the parkade and checked in to our AirBnb home for the next 3 weeks. I had to start work the very next day and the familiar cycle of jet-lagged afternoons and sleepless nights began. That first week was quite exciting. It felt good to be back at work with the team. I was more tired than usual but everyone thought it was jet lag so no explanation needed. Ransley settled back in immediately. He was loving the new vibe and lifestyle, chauffering me to and from work, stocking up on groceries, catching up with his staff in the evenings and making a start on the house hunt. We would have to find a rental pretty soon. At 8 weeks pregnant, we booked our first scan at a radiology centre. By then the nausea had kicked in and I was starting to lose my appetite, though it was still manageable with a full working day. It was so exciting to see the little sac for the first time. There was nothing identifiable whatsoever but zoomed in, you could see a tiny fluttering heartbeat and suddenly this all became real. We sent the video of the scan back home and the family was starting to get excited too.
2 weeks into our stay in NZ, I started to experience morning sickness. At first I took it in my stride, I was actually waiting to start experiencing something physical since there was no visible sign of me being pregnant yet and I felt tired all the time. I wanted to know it wasn't in my head. The novelty quickly wore off though as the vomiting became more frequent and more severe to the point where I couldn't keep anything down, solid or liquid. After 3 weeks I had lost 5kg's and my sense of humour. I could sense Ransley becoming concerned and starting to feel helpless even though he tried to be as supportive as possible.
Eventually I had to start working from home since I would be up all night vomiting into the early morning. In the midst of these bouts, we had to move on to our next AirBnb, which wasn't comfortable at all. Even though it was a bigger place with a larger kitchen, nobody was eating much these days. It soon became a routine to drive to McDonald's every evening. For a few days, that little chicken burger was all I could stomach but that soon became too much for my stomach as well and I was now down to just a coke or iced coffee (according to the recommended limit of caffeine of course). Ransley on the other hand put on all the weight he had lost over the last few months. I was really feeling bad for not being able to help much in transitioning our lifestyle.
I had planned to start looking for rentals immediately, set us up with a comfy home and get stuck into work for a few months until I could go on maternity leave. We had it all mapped out and here I was unable to even get out of bed some days. I was craving food and snacks that weren't available in NZ stores, I wasn't eating anything and couldn't even keep a glass of water down. I couldn't brush my teeth without throwing up and I was now, not going to work at all. I had to fess up that I was pregnant and having a hard time and they were so understanding. I still felt miserable and so annoyed with myself for not being stronger and not being able to push through this as I normally would with any illness previously. I didn't feel like myself anymore, I was now officially dehydrated and I could see the hope draining from Ransley's face when I would mention that I felt like going back home. It seemed ridiculous. Why not just go to a doctor here, try to find some food that would stay down, try some medication, take a few days off work, just wait for the rough patch to end. There seemed to be so many alternatives but I knew in my core for some reason that nothing would work. If I stayed, I wouldn't be able to find myself in this pregnancy. I didn't tell him that though. Even though it was hard trying to keep the morale up with me being sick all the time, he was still loving his new life in NZ. He was making plans to close his business in SA and start the process of bringing Chef, the dog over. He was intensifying his search for a rental and determined to make this work. We weighed pros and cons daily with all logic pointing to stay in NZ. I accepted it was the better option but my heart wasn't sold and he knew it.
After a month in NZ, I had become a shell. Ransley booked us flights home. He knew it was what I wanted and I knew he was gutted. This was probably one of the hardest decisions we have had to make as a couple and we almost didn't make it.
In the background throughout all this, my company was undergoing a massive restructure with my department at the centre of most of the changes. With several personnel changes happening, I had to come to terms that I wasn't going to be able to pursue the career trajectory that I had hoped at this company. Even though they weren't lowering my salary, the only open position available for me was much lower skilled than I had been doing and quite junior. I struggled to see a path to where I wanted to be. I felt blindsided and disappointed but my physical condition made this less of a focus. Towards the end, I really found it hard to care about what position I was going to be placed in. I knew that I would be able to do this lesser role justice remotely from SA as I had been doing on and off since 2018 but I was unable to convince our new management. They had decided that working remotely would not "suit the needs of the business". Ironically a week after I left, NZ government issued a nationwide lockdown and the company was forced to have all staff work from home until further notice. Almost 5 weeks later they're still all working remotely. Adapt or die I guess.
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