I remember many times during my twenties, standing in front of the bedroom mirror after a sizeable dinner, cradling my food bump and trying to picture what it would actually be like to be pregnant. I always imagined that I would be the super-organised and over-prepared type. I saw myself reading all the latest pregnancy books and being up to date on the latest studies in infant psychology. I pictured an elegant and exciting baby shower that I would plan for myself, a trendy maternity shoot for Ransley and I and weekly deliveries arriving from all the best international baby stores for the duration of the pregnancy. Deciding to wait till age 31 to grow our family gave me lots of time to grow my expectations at the same time. Now that I'm already 5 months in and have barely decided on my birth plan, I've come to accept that being pregnant during a national lockdown in the midst of a worldwide pandemic has required me to completely realign my expectations with a very unique new reality.
As the weeks go by we become more aware of the seriousness of this virus and how important it is for me, particularly to avoid infection since we're not that sure how Covid-19 affects pregnant women. Daily I reflect on how grateful I am for the health and wellbeing of baby girl and the rest of our loved ones while also being aware that this pandemic has altered so many lives irreparably over the past months. It's tempting to be frustrated by the obvious inconveniences that this period poses for my pregnancy. Sometimes I catch myself feeling sorry for myself and the fact that I probably won't be having the exciting baby shower that I had imagined or be able to travel around to curate my nursery and I quickly force myself to come back to a perspective of gratitude. We often discuss that we probably wouldn't have made the decision to get pregnant this year if we had known how different the world and our lives would look in just a few months but that makes me all the more certain that God has specially planned for this little soul to enter the world at exactly this time.
This week has been quite exciting since the government removed the restrictions on online deliveries and we have started preparing our nursery. I'm pretty certain I'm in the "nesting" phase since I have an overwhelming urge to grab a spade and start weeding the overgrown garden. (Garden services are non-essential during lockdown). It's all slowly coming together after much stress about things that won't matter in a few months anyway. As I type this, she is kicking away to the tune of my Boyz II Men playlist. Notably no reaction to my gospel playlist whatsoever. International deliveries are opening up again and Ranz is buried in the Amazon app. He's doing quite well with his list of prep items, enjoying every moment of research and negotiations on strollers, car seats and diaper pails. Yesterday, 29 May 2020 was the 10 year anniversary of the day we started officially dating. We don't celebrate those anymore but I couldn't help thinking how drastically our conversations have changed since then. 21 year old kids with no idea how to merge our polar opposite worlds and personalities but adamant to do so anyway. If you had asked me 10 years ago to predict how my life would look today, the one constant would have been Ransley. Everyday I am more grateful that we made it to this point together (by the sheer Grace of God) and that he is the one that I get to experience this journey with.
It may seem that my writing has gotten a bit more scattered and much less eloquent which I shall eagerly attribute to an advanced stage of pregnancy brain. I am becoming so forgetful and often say the strangest things that I am immediately embarrassed by after saying them. Simple arithmetic has become challenging as well which is why I don't involve myself much in the budget planning these days. I've also become a bit more straightforward with my opinion. I suspect this is because I have a lower tolerance for time wasting and I don't have the energy for trivial issues anymore. This would be a great time to ask me how I really feel about certain things as you'll be sure to get some entertaining answers. We had a doctor's appointment earlier this week and got to see our little girl in 3D which was amazing. We could see her little face and her cute features, her head resting on her arm in the same position that I sleep in. I can definitely see myself missing this phase of pregnancy when it's all over. My tummy has rounded out so it's now obvious that i'm pregnant and not just randomly packing on the pounds. I love that I have no guilt or hard feelings about not fitting into my clothes anymore. I love the idea that she can hear us now, I feel her moving so often and she's starting to become a part of our family. The spare room which accommodated many friends over the years, finally has a permanent resident and has been designated as her little haven in our home.
I re-read this post and admittedly am not that happy with it. I can't quite gather what it's about at all but I guess it's a true reflection of my current state and capability to string sentences together. So in the spirit of authenticity which I hope to always project here, I will leave it as is and I promise to put a bit more effort in on the next one.