On 28 April we had our first gynae appointment since the 5 week scan we did before leaving to NZ. This one was especially anticipated because we were going to be able to find out the baby's gender.
We had to get screened for Covid-19 before entering the Dr's rooms and wear surgical face masks the entire time. After some preliminary questions from the doctor we proceeded to the ultrasound room confirming with him that we wanted to find out the sex.
"It's a daughter". He casually mentioned this while he was giving us a tour of little organs and limbs on the screen. I let out a small involuntary shriek and giggle and turned to look at Ranz who I imagined to be smiling behind his mask. We both were so sure we wanted a boy to be the eldest. I think I said this to the doctor too. I was saying random things nervously now. It's amazing how we had these vivid ideas of what life would be like with either a little boy or little girl and the moment we found out she was a girl, she was all we could picture. She immediately became real in my mind and the little boy vanished as though we never thought of him at all. I was too excited and distracted to pay much attention for the rest of the extensive appointment as he pressed and kneaded my stomach with the ultrasound wand but the gist was that everything is progressing as normal.
I used to joke that if I find out I'm having a girl, I'll spend the rest of my pregnancy praying she turns out nothing like me. That is far from the case today though. I am so thrilled just thinking about all the ways she could be just like me. I feel so much more confident that I can be there for her in all the ways she needs me to and I can't wait to walk beside her through life on her own unique journey. My prayer now is that I get to be around for the longest time possible. I can't imagine missing even a single milestone in her life. I want to be a great, great, great grandmother!
When I think about what it might be like to be a mum to a little girl, it makes me nervous yet so eager to get started. I think about how I'll need to have restraint with my opinions and be bold in my example. I almost feel like I should urgently learn all the traits and qualities that I wished I naturally had so that I can model them all for her but I also want to demonstrate to her, exactly who I am so she can know me so well. This post is a bit of a ramble but that's pretty much how my train of thought is these days. I thought I would be a lot more profound at this stage of pregnancy but I'm actually a lot more in the clouds than normal.
I think I subconsciously started this blog for her in the first place. I wanted to record my thoughts and experiences so that I would be able to relay them to her at different times in her life when they might be helpful. Apart from wanting to get the nursery and all her little princess clothes and accessories ready in time, my focus now is to document as much as possible about this time and the anticipation of her arrival so she will always know exactly how wanted and loved she is by her mum and dad.
We all know it's a hard and scary world for women today and although I have anxieties about all the ways that she needs protection and guidance, I feel stronger about making sure she has a strong sense of freedom and adventure and all the tools she needs to live this life to the fullest, in ways we were never able to. Ranz and I talk every night over coffee about our parenting ideas, how we would deal with different potential scenarios, how we want to prepare for her emotionally and psychologically. We discuss the intricacies of our own upbringings, our childhoods and the things we would like to both change and replicate for her. Although we've been warned that there's no way you can be totally prepared for becoming a parent, we do this more to entertain ourselves under lockdown. I guess we're fortunate to have endless quality time to talk and connect on these subjects, I hope it gives us at least some form of a head start in parenting and even if it doesn't, it's made for some conversations and times together that we will never forget.
Something I really want to remember about month 5 of pregnancy is the little fluttery movements that give me assurance that she's swimming away as expected. It isn't strong enough to be counted as a kick yet. This is the first time I've felt anything like this and every time I feel a little bubble popping sensation it makes me smile. I thought I needed a lot more time to properly prepare but I can't wait for her to be here now. A few more trips to the baby store and i'm ready as I'll ever be for you little girl... P.S. We decided your name the night we found out you were you :)