In my last post I shared how telling a hard truth helped me to grow into who I am today and now I want to share how the way that you tell the truth can be just as important as the truth itself. If there's something difficult that you need to get off your chest but are too afraid to face the outcome then these tips my help.
Firstly, it is important to establish why you want to tell someone the truth about something. Intention is always my first standard of measuring whether or not something is a good idea. Let me be clear. It is never a good idea to lie, not because of morality or ethics but because lying is a far heavier burden than you may realise and it eats away at your self-respect over time. It also disrespects your relationships when you aren't honest. So, when I talk about deciding whether or not to share a sensitive truth with someone, I don't mean the alternative is lying to cover up something. I mean simply considering whether withholding (not volunteering) this information would be disrespectful or deceitful to them. Let me explain:
Honesty is risky business
Really, it can be very easy when you're caught up in emotions to start baring your soul to the wrong people. If you feel it important to share private or personal information with someone, be careful that they aren't simply interested in knowing your story to satisfy their curiosity or appetite for gossip. Not every listening ear is a loyal ear. Think about what sharing information with that person would achieve. Would it make you feel better for the moment but then come back around to cause you more pain? Do they want to know so they can give you sound advice or so they can have the upper hand over you? I have experienced the effects of oversharing with the wrong people and have been hurt many times as a result. However, you can't always know how things will turn out. My tip in this case is to start with a disclaimer. Eg: "I feel like I can trust you with this because you're really close to me and I need your advice. Please stop me if you feel like you can't keep this between us because I would be really hurt if you shared this with anyone else." or something to that effect, and then you take the risk, knowing that everyone is human and you could still end up disappointed.
Handle your business
This is important. There are certain people who deserve to know the truth when it affects them in any way. You have to respect people enough to be honest with them and give them the option of reacting however they want to from a place of knowing. It is extremely unfair to control a relationship by lying or hiding things when you know the truth would cause a person to behave differently. When you have done something that your friend, spouse, family member or any loved one would be hurt by, you cannot keep this from them and continue the relationship with integrity. No matter how bad it may make you look or feel or how embarrassing it may be to you, this is where the freeing experience of the truth is rooted. If you're really sorry, pluck up the courage and be honest no matter how much you stand to lose. The other person has the right to decide whether or not they want to forgive you and you might be surprised at the outcome. You have to be able to trust the people closest to you with your honesty. Either they will love you through it or they will choose differently. Either way, it's the right thing to do and you will get through it stronger. If you don't come clean, it will eat away at you over time and cause more problems down the line. You also won't be a hostage for the rest of your life to the truth coming out by some other means. The most valuable relationships you will have are with people you can trust with the truest version of you :)
It ain't nobody's business
So, this is where my disclaimer applies. I do not advocate lying but I am A O K will telling folks to mind their own business! There are some people who have no right to your truth. Not everyone needs to know the details of things you've done in the past. If you have made peace with yourself and the people involved, you can certainly tell everyone else where to jump off with their 'concerns' or comments about your personal life. Many people can't help themselves when they've heard rumours and feel entitled to ask you upfront if they're true. They almost act as though they're being noble by coming to you directly. My take on this is that if there isn't any value in them knowing the answers to their questions then they can keep it moving. I have been asked about details of my personal life by people who have felt close enough to the issue to be entitled to the 'full story'. Many times I made the mistake of letting guilt over my actions make me feel obligated to sharing with these people when confronted. I have learned that I am entitled to my privacy even among friends. People have a tendency to act as though they are owed the truth about things that don't concern them, just because they consider you a friend or loved one. Maturity is understanding that you can love someone deeply and still have boundaries. This mainly applies with friends or extended family. I would say always default to full disclosure with a spouse, ideally before marriage.
Lastly, mind your own business
If it's not your truth to tell, hush! Betraying someone's trust is very hard to remedy. If you feel like you simply have to share someone's secret, and I'm assuming you have a very good reason (eg. to prevent physical harm to them or someone else), the least you can do is tell them your intention to do so. There's a reason lawyers and judges have to declare a conflict of interest in some cases. If you know that you're about to hear something that you cannot be impartial to, you should quickly conflict yourself out. One way to avoid this is to not have itchy ears. The less of people's business you know, the easier it will be to avoid being in the centre of drama. Don't get me wrong, relationships are built on people being able to confide in one another, but this comes with a great responsibility. Just because you know the truth about someone or something, it doesn't give you the right to share on someone else's behalf. Also, unless you're prepared to lie and deceive them from that point onward, you will get caught out.